My Pride Damaging Inner Dialogue

When you are brought to reality by your mind you can no longer be blinded by the truths.

I’ve struggled during the nights, as well as mornings over the past few days. I’ve felt lost for direction at times, which is a new feeling for me during this journey. I’ve felt blocked with my mind being hazy and not sharp to the point it needs to be for me to carry momentum. The last two nights I’ve slept like shit, and woke in that hazy unsharpened fog. What is it that’s causing this? Is it self-doubt? No, it’s not that. Is it a lack of motivation in the continuing of my pursuit? No no, that’s not it either.

Last night I laid in bed shortly before 10:00PM. I was tired, but couldn’t sleep. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn’t get my mind to hold still. It was running and running at a pace that far exceeded anything I could keep up with. I kept thinking, if I can just get my thoughts to chill out, I know I can fall asleep. That didn’t happen, and I spent nearly two hours thinking. Thinking that I’m not making any money, and my girl leaves for work first thing in the morning to go work twelve hours. Now, I wake up in the morning and do my job too, but currently that doesn’t really bring much to the table as far as generating long term stability for my family. I started work at the age of 15, and have always made good money. The thought running through my mind, now I make nothing.

Thoughts of, what mistakes have I been making, what am I valuing and devaluing, are my priorities strait? I tell ya, you can have some hard ass conversations with yourself when you’re in your head. I don’t know how all of your minds work, but mine isn’t the pat you on the shoulder, and the, “You’ll get em next time slugger” kind of partner. With me it works a little more like “I know you want this, and I know that you can achieve it, but you’re not good enough right now.”

This internal dialogue that I have with myself doesn’t lie to me. Everyone will convince themselves that they deserve something that they really don’t, I do it.

I can take today off because yesterday I worked really hard and accomplished a lot,

taking an extra day off isn’t that big of a deal,

I’ve got time to make this work.

I convince myself that things that are harmful to the long term goal aren’t that big of a deal. I do it constantly, and discard the reality of the effects on my long term goals for some immediate satisfaction.

It was a hard and honestly unexpected conversation to have with myself. I want to rewind to the end of one of my previous paragraphs, I was talking about how my mind works and what our conversations are like.

“I know you want this, and I know that you can achieve it, but you’re not good enough right now.”

Remember that part?

I need to improve my level of self discipline. I’m motivated to end this chapter with my goals and dreams in hand. Motivation makes you feel good, but it doesn’t win the battle. Self discipline wins the battle. Self discipline helps you win everyday, and every morning when I wake up that’s what I need to be fighting for, to win that day. To not watch tv for an hour before I get started, to not succumb to that BS liar of a feeling that tries to convince me that I’m just not feeling it today. I need to be honest with myself that some of my decisions are hurting me. Those drinks that feels so good before bed get out of hand sometimes. Sure I’m fine at night, but how does that help me in the morning?

Let’s be sure that we don’t get all Debbie Downer. This post documents my recent inner thoughts and dialogue. It documents excuses that I have made and allowed for myself. And it documents the conclusion I came to during last nights conversation, my mind said, “You’re not good enough right now.” I am so thankful that I was forced into that conversation. I’m not good enough right now, but that does not fuckin mean that I can’t be good enough. Last night I really felt that I wasn’t improving. My mindset and accomplishments of this morning beg to differ. That was a good kick in the pants, and I’m better right now because of it.

Originally published at http://dreamchapters.com on September 14, 2020.